The Lingering Trauma of Infertility: Understanding and Healing from the Emotional Impact

Grain Fertility founder and CEO Joe Cody is an IVF dad who went through nearly 4 years of IVF with his wife to have their daughter. Despite the success, he. and his wife still carry the scars of their journey.

To help our members who are actively pursuing parenthood though assisted reproductive technologies due to infertility, we reached out to Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, to better understand the emotional impact infertility can have on a person and couple and when to seek additional help. Emily is owner of Phoenix Health and works every day with individuals and couples struggling on their own journey.

The Taxing Nature of Infertility

Infertility is more than just a medical condition. It can also be an emotionally taxing experience that can leave you vulnerable to high levels of stress, anxiety, and even depression. Even when the physical process of infertility ends, the emotional wounds can continue to linger. Many people find themselves “going through the motions” during treatment, only to be hit with the full weight of their emotions months or even years later.

The weight of infertility can hit at any time.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

What Is Trauma?

Trauma occurs when a person experiences a distressing event(s) that overwhelms their ability to cope. It can be the result of a single event or the accumulation of many stressful events over some time.

For many couples, infertility is a form of trauma because of the ongoing stress, loss, and uncertainty. Between the repeated cycles of hope and disappointment, the isolation from family and friends who don’t seem to understand, and the lack of control over your own body and future, infertility and the treatment process can certainly be traumatic. This kind of chronic stress can leave deep emotional scars, even if you eventually conceive or find an alternative path.

Why Infertility Can Be Traumatic

For many, the infertility journey is filled with challenges that can take a serious toll on your emotional well-being. It’s important to note that trauma is a deeply personal experience. Two people on similar journeys may have very different reactions, where one may experience infertility as trauma and another may not. This discrepancy can even occur between partners.

While trauma is deeply personal, some of the most common sources of trauma while going through infertility include:

• The repeated cycle of hope and disappointment – Month after month, you may find yourself hoping for a positive pregnancy test, only to experience heartbreak when you get yet another negative. The emotional rollercoaster can be exhausting and may leave you emotionally numb.

• Loss of control over your body and future – Infertility forces you to confront the fact that some things are beyond your control. This can be frustrating and disheartening, especially when family and friends are conceiving easily.

• Medical procedures and invasive treatments – Fertility treatments can be physically demanding, painful, and emotionally draining. Hormone injections, blood draws, ultrasounds, and surgeries take a toll, not just on your body but also on your mind. Some individuals begin to resent their partners who do not have to go through the same physical treatments.

• Isolation from friends, family, or partners who don’t fully understand – Infertility can feel incredibly lonely, especially when others around you seem to be moving forward with their lives and having children without difficulty. Frustration and resentment toward your partner can also build, especially if you feel like they don’t understand or they have a different coping style.

• Grief over potential loss – There are so many losses that can occur during the infertility journey, including failed treatments, pregnancy losses, and the fear that you may never become a parent.

When Trauma Shows Up Later

Many people going through infertility are always focused on the next step. Whether it’s trying another treatment, considering different options, or simply getting through the day. There’s often little time or energy to fully process what they are experiencing. Each disappointment is followed by a new plan and next steps. But when this part of the infertility journey comes to an end, those feelings can come rushing back.

This delayed trauma can surface in unexpected ways, sometimes months or even years later. It may appear as:

• Feeling intense sadness or grief when seeing others’ pregnancy announcements.

• Becoming anxious or emotional when visiting a doctor’s office.

• Remembering anniversaries of failed treatments or losses.

• Struggling with feelings of anger, resentment, or guilt, even if you have since become a parent.

Coping with Infertility Trauma

Healing from infertility trauma is possible, but it can take time. Here are some ways to start:

• Acknowledge Your Experience – Give yourself some time to reflect on what you went through. Journaling, meditation, and just time for self-reflection can help. Allow yourself to acknowledge your emotions instead of minimizing them. Your feelings are valid, even if you have a healthy baby.

• Seek Support – Connecting with others who understand can be incredibly healing. Consider joining an in-person or online support group for individuals who have experienced infertility. These groups can be safe spaces for sharing your experiences and giving and receiving support.

• Practice Self-Compassion – Self-compassion is the practice of being kind to yourself and letting go of guilt and shame. When you’ve gone through infertility, It’s easy to blame yourself or wonder “What if I had only made a different choice?”. Self-compassion involves recognizing that you were doing your best at the time and being gentle with yourself.

• Set Boundaries – It’s okay to step away from conversations or situations that feel triggering. You may find that certain topics cause all of the emotions of infertility to come rushing back. You have the right to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being.

Grain Fertility can help you navigate the complexities of fertility treatment.

Signs You Should Seek Professional Support

While some people can work through the trauma of infertility on their own or with the help of loved ones, others may need professional support. Therapy can provide a safe space to process and cope with your infertility journey.

You might benefit from therapy if you experience:

• Feelings of anxiety, depression, or emotional numbness.

• Difficulty finding joy in everyday life.

• Strained relationships with your partner, family, or friends.

• Physical symptoms like difficulty sleeping, headaches, gastrointestinal problems, or chronic stress.

• Feeling stuck and unable to move forward in your life.

If you’re struggling with the emotional trauma of your infertility trauma, know that you are not alone. Regardless of how much time has passed and the outcome, you may still find feelings rushing back. For many, infertility is an experience that is always a part of you. Therapy, support groups, and self-care can all be valuable tools in the healing process. Whether you are going through infertility treatment or it’s in your past, you deserve support, understanding, and compassion.

About Phoenix Health

Phoenix Health provides online therapy for perinatal mental health, supporting individuals facing infertility, pregnancy loss, postpartum challenges, and other perinatal concerns. Their team of specialized clinicians offers compassionate, evidence-based care to help clients navigate the emotional complexities of parenthood. They proudly serve clients in 40+ states, making high-quality mental health support accessible wherever you are.